Today, I made the awful mistake in confiding with my brother about my plans to move back to my hometown. I knew why I was trying to avoid this inevitable talk: 1) he would say things to make me doubt my entire two -year plan and 2) I would have his words stuck in my head making me doubt my entire two -year plan.
And that’s exactly how it went.
I told him that I want to go back to my hometown and take a Montessori diploma to refine my teaching skills and have better jobs opportunities and better chances for a possible PhD. In good faith, he was trying to give his advice and offer his opinion. He told me not to go back for two years, that that’s a long time to spent back there. One because I’d be thirty by the time I’m done with my diploma and if I want to do a PhD, the younger the better (?) since that’s what universities prefer (?). Two, since I’ll be turning thirty soon, I should start and find a place to put roots and a job to grow with (this is why I’m thinking about the diploma in the first place). Three, why not consider other places like Asia and settle there?
By the end of our talk, I was feeling less talkative and wanting this to be over with. I was feeling less convince of having a good two-years plan ahead of me that would improve my working conditions and hopefully, my life. Even now, all my plans to save up and start thinking of moving seem foolish and stupid. What was I thinking? I hate y hometown. I wasn’t really happy there while growing up and not because I felt at peace during the Christmas holidays means it will be like this when I go back. Every place looks better during the holidays. Economically, it’s not going well (but then again where is?) and it’s not a place I want to live in.
But as I look at my life now, I know I’m working at a place that is giving me no future. Just money that I either spend for bills, food or stuff I don’t need. I have no social life and I’m not even trying to have one; all I want is to stay home and read and write. I get what my brother was trying to tell me, but I don’t have the luxury or the mental strength, of trying my luck in another country. I’m tired. I’m sad and I’m exhausted. All I want from life is to be happy.